


hitohadakoishii

by rainclouded



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22204018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainclouded/pseuds/rainclouded
Summary: A LisaSayo story in which Sayo has a crush on Yukina. Takes place during their third year of high school and continuing into their first year after graduation.
Relationships: Hikawa Sayo/Imai Lisa
Comments: 31
Kudos: 175





	1. Chapter 1

“I… think I like Yukina.”

I’d been turning those words over and over in my head since Sayo had said them this afternoon. When she’d showed up at the Haneoka dance club, at first I’d thought she was really looking for Yukina or Hina instead, but when she, face flushed, had asked if we could move to a quieter place to talk I’d quickly realized, with a sinking feeling, what was really up. 

It wasn’t like it had come as a surprise. The signs were so clear it would’ve been hard for me _not_ to notice. The way her gaze lingered on Yukina during practice. The obvious happiness that shone in her face whenever Yukina praised her playing. All those times she’d bashfully asked me for advice about what kind of things Yukina liked. Honestly, watching our steely-eyed, strict, slightly scary guitarist melt like warm chocolate when talking about her crush was kind of precious.

…It was precious, but it still hurt. I’d thought I was slowly starting to get over her. That I was accepting that we weren’t going to be anything more than friends, and figuring out how to enjoy that for what it was. 

But when she’d put her feelings to words, I’d suddenly realized that that was still very much not the case. Being able to spend time with Sayo as a friend--practicing music with just the two of us, or baking cookies together, or shopping for a present for Yukina--had made me happy enough that I’d been able to deceive myself into thinking I was satisfied with just that. But today it had all come flooding back.

“Thanks for always listening to me, Lisa,” she’d said, a slight but genuine smile on her face, and in that moment I’d thought that I desperately wanted to be special to her, for her to smile at me like that again and again. I wanted to hold hands and kiss and cuddle under the kotatsu together and go on dates and do all kinds of romantic embarrassing things couples do. My unrequited feelings had flowed through me until I felt full to bursting, and that feeling still refused to subside. Helping the girl I liked get together with someone else was stupid and masochistic, I knew, but I couldn’t manage to subdue either feeling: my desire for Sayo, romantically, or my desire to help her as best I could as a friend. People always said that being kind to everyone was one of my good character traits, but there had to be a limit to that, didn’t there?

In an attempt to calm myself down, I buried my face in my pillow and tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about the cute embarrassed look she’d had on her face, the kind she’d never show when talking about me. Or the possibility that my two best friends might start dating and leave me as a permanent third wheel.

Or the love letter Sayo had asked me to read over, sitting ominously on my desk.

I reached over and grabbed it, staring at the unsealed envelope in my hand. A love letter. From the girl I liked. Of course, it wasn’t addressed to me, but just holding it like this made me feel a little excited. And more than a little uncomfortable, as though I was poking my nose into a corner of someone’s heart that wasn’t really supposed to be open to me. She’d asked, of course, but was this the kind of thing an outsider should read?

Or maybe I was just scared of reading it. Scared that if I did, there would be no more doubt about what her true feelings were. Somewhere in my heart, I’d always kind of hoped that maybe I’d just been reading things wrong, that Sayo’s feelings toward Yukina weren’t really romantic, that there was some chance she’d turn my way instead. But once I learned how she really felt, that hope would die.

Confessing your feelings was a really brave thing, wasn’t it. What if you got rejected? Wasn’t it better not to risk it, to just be happy fantasizing about the possibility of being together? It was like Schrodinger’s cat, and I wanted to stay in the blissfully ignorant state where the cat is both dead and alive, where I was both rejected and accepted by the person I loved.

But, like Schrodinger, I knew that the cat was already either alive or dead. I just didn’t want to accept the possibility that it would be lying there, stiff and cold, when I opened the box. But it was best for me to face reality. If I read the letter, then maybe I could move on. This messy chapter in my life could finally come to a close.

I opened the envelope, unfolded the letter inside, and began to read.

_Dear Minato Yukina_ , the letter began. _When you first asked me to join Roselia, I was motivated by nothing but a desire to outstrip my sister. For that selfish reason, I wanted to aim for the top with you. But somewhere along the way, I grew enchanted by your voice. By the way playing next to you, with the rest of Roselia, made me feel. It was like I’d finally found a place where I really belonged. More than that though, I started to feel like I wanted to be by your side, whether we were performing together or not. I wanted to see your face when I made you some cookies, or when I got you a present for your birthday. I know bringing these kinds of feelings into the band is forbidden, but I do not feel as though I can stay honest to myself any longer without expressing them. I am in love with you. If by some chance you feel the same way, then I would be beyond happy if you would become my girlfriend._

_Sincerely,_

_Hikawa Sayo_

“Oh, Sayo…” I whispered softly. The letter was a little formal, a little awkward, but above all genuinely sincere. Exactly the side of Sayo that had made me fall in love with her. Of course it hurt to see those feelings directed towards someone other than me, but the wave of emotion bubbling up within me was more sweet than bitter. Hearing her talk about how much Roselia meant to her, how much being with Yukina meant to her--when I thought about how different she was now from the terse, unhappy girl she’d been when I’d first met her, I couldn’t keep myself from smiling.

As ever, I was too nice for my own good, wasn’t I. But I just didn’t have it in me to be upset at Sayo’s happiness. Even if it was contradictory, even if I couldn’t be the one by her side--I wanted to see her keep on smiling. I wanted her to always have Roselia by her side to support her.

But it’s human nature to want things we can never have.

The fated day arrived the next week. Sayo and I were sitting on a bench in the studio lobby before band practice, trying to warm up a little after being out in the cold late fall air. Even moving into the heated studio, however, didn’t seem to have done a lot to improve the nauseous look on her face. I patted her on the shoulder in an attempt to calm her down, but the truth was I was feeling more than a little nervous myself. Of course, it wasn’t _me_ who was planning to ask someone out today, but still…

We sat there like that for a while, greeting Ako and Rinko as they came in. Eventually Sayo glanced at her watch. “Yukina’s late.”

“Yeah, I guess she is. Should I send her a message?”

“Maybe. It’s unusual for her not to be on time...”

Sayo’s concern was no doubt partially due to today’s, um, unique circumstances, but it was true that Yukina was never late. I mean, music was Yukina’s _life_. The rest of us were all juggling multiple things at the same time--schoolwork, club activities, part-time jobs, the student council--but other than the band Yukina rarely showed much of an interest in much of anything, really, for better or for worse. Even though it was right in the middle of exam prep season for all of us third-years, she didn’t seem to be all that concerned about that, either, despite Sayo and I continuously nagging her about how she should focus more on studying.

All of which is to say that normally, Yukina would never let something get in the way of her beloved band practice. Of course, she was human in the end, and, especially compared to someone like Sayo, not always the most diligent person, so any number of things could have waylaid her. But I still couldn’t shake the feeling--whether it was just Sayo’s nervousness infecting me or not--that something out of the ordinary might have happened.

Yukina showed up in the studio out of breath, looking like she’d been hurrying to get here. Her cheeks were slightly tinged pink from the cold, and she took a moment to regain her composure once she’d entered the heated room. I put a hand on her shoulder and opened my mouth to ask if she was okay, but she waved me off, and, after a second, regained her usual cool, commanding demeanor. “Let’s begin. We’ve already lost time we can’t afford to lose.”

Wordlessly, the four of us followed after her. Before Yukina opened the door to the practice room we were using, she stopped and turned to us. “Can everyone stay for a few minutes after practice ends? There’s an announcement I’d like to make.”

Usually, whenever Yukina told us she was making an announcement like this, I had a pretty good guess about what she was going to say. I was her oldest friend and closest confidante, so most of the time she’d already talked about it with me beforehand, and, in the rare cases where she hadn’t, I could use the intuition I’d honed over our long time together to figure it out. But this time, I was in the unfamiliar, and more than a little uncomfortable, situation of having no idea what this might be about.

Throughout our practice, I couldn’t stop a series of unpleasant thoughts from invading my brain. It was petty and selfish, I knew, but I just somehow hated the idea that Yukina was relying on someone else before me. If she and Sayo were to actually start dating, then the first person she’d turn to if she wanted advice would be Sayo, wouldn’t it? And in that case, Sayo herself would certainly rather share her secrets with Yukina rather than me.

I was greedy. I wanted to be the most important person to both of my best friends. But more than that, I was scared. Scared that I might end up with no one who really thought of me as special. What Sayo had said about Roselia being a place where she really belonged was true of me, too. Sure, it was easy for me to get along with people, and I enjoyed the company of the other dance club members and my coworkers at my part-time job, but the only place where I really felt fulfilled by my connections with other people was here. Somewhere along the way, I’d come to rely on Roselia in a way I hadn’t ever expected to.

I knew we couldn’t stay like this forever. And yet… I couldn’t help but wish that these days would never end.

Practice ended and the four of us turned our attention to Yukina. I glanced at Sayo, standing to my right, and squeezed her hand, as much to convince myself things would go well as to reassure her. In her other hand, she was gently clutching her letter, holding it slightly out of Yukina’s line of vision.

Yukina looked vaguely uncomfortable as she stood before us, before taking a deep breath and regaining her usual cool, commanding demeanor. In that moment, just as she was about to speak, time seemed to stop. It felt like that moment when you’ve realized your mug of tea is about to fall, only you’re too late too stop it and can only watch in helplessness as it slowly tumbles to its doom.

I wanted to stop her. I wanted to believe that if I just covered her mouth and prevented her from speaking, everything would stay as it was. But that wouldn’t change anything. I knew that. So I just gripped Sayo’s hand tighter and waited for what came next.

“I’ve been accepted into a music program at a school in Europe.” The words lingered in the air after she’d said them, with no one sure exactly how to respond.

The right thing to do in that moment would have been to congratulate her, I knew. Surely this was something she’d worked hard on. It was a way for her to get closer to her dreams of performing on the highest of stages. And she was my oldest and closest friend. Her achievements had always brought me as much happiness as they had her. So it should have only been natural for me to tell her how proud of her I was.

But the words stuck in my throat and refused to come out.

“Of course, this means I’m going to put Roselia on hiatus for a while. But I want to be clear, this is only a hiatus. To me, this is an important opportunity for me to improve my skills. But the only people I want to stand on those high stages with are you four. As Roselia. This is just me finding a new way of getting to where we’re all aiming to go.”

Her voice softened. “I really thought hard about making this decision. But ultimately, music is what I’ve devoted my life to. What I want to continue devoting my life to. To that end, I wanted to do whatever I could, even if it meant leaving the place where I feel most at home. …If you’ve got any questions, I’ll do my best to answer them.”

Yukina finished and let out a deep sigh, as though she’d gotten a huge weight off of her chest. I watched as Ako started to run up to her, with Rinko following her at a calmer pace, and made to go with them when I heard a slight sound of paper crunching from next to me.

“Sayo…?”

Her face was dark, and in her clenched fist I could see the crumpled remains of the letter she’d been so carefully holding up until now. Then suddenly, without a word, she turned and left the studio, her hair swishing behind her with the abruptness of the action.

Apologizing to Yukina in my mind, I ran out after her.

I’d forgotten my coat in the practice room in my hurry to catch up to Sayo, so the bitter cold outside assaulted me as soon as I left the building. But what was more worrying to me at the moment was the defeated expression on the face of the girl in front of me, who was standing still and staring at the letter in her hand. I put a hand on her shoulder and forced her to turn towards me.

“Sayo! Don’t tell me you’re just going to give up here? You’re not even going to tell her how you feel?”

She smiled mirthlessly. “The whole idea of telling her my feelings was a stupid one all along. I should have known that from the start. All of this--the band, romance, friendship--is just a passing adolescent delusion that will fade once we graduate.”

“Don't say that, Sayo…”

“I honestly can’t believe I almost talked myself into this. Something this embarrassing--it’s really not in my character.” The laugh she let out here was empty of all emotion.

I felt like I had to say something, to reassure her that I would always be there for her, that our friendship, at the very least, wasn’t something that would end after we graduated. But for the second time that night, the words stuck in my throat.

“Really, I’m so, so stupid…” Sayo’s voice had grown smaller and more strained, and she was covering her face.

I still couldn’t think of a good way to put what I was feeling into words, so I just hugged her. Normally she would have pushed me off for getting so close to her, but at this moment, she didn’t resist and shoved her face into my chest.

We stood there like that for a while, a warm and slightly wet sensation spreading from where she was resting her head. I didn’t really know how to react to what was going on any more than she did, so instead of being chatty I just shut up. Eventually, after she seemed to have calmed down a bit, Sayo broke free from me. “It’s getting late. I should be getting home,” she said, attempting with mixed results to reclaim the sense of dignity her voice usually had.

“You don’t want to say anything to her?”

“…I don’t want her to see me like this.” Her expression, dimly illuminated by the nearby streetlights, looked strikingly vulnerable, to the point where it made me badly want to hug her again. But I just smiled sadly back at her and waved goodbye as she walked off, staring at her silhouette until it vanished into the evening gloom.

“Lisa?” From behind me, I heard my name being called and flinched in surprise. I turned around and felt the sensation of a coat being laid on top of my shoulders. I’d almost forgotten about it in the daze Sayo and I had been in, but it really was cold out, wasn’t it. I turned to face Yukina, who had a slightly worried look on her face. “Is everything okay with you and Sayo?”

“Yeah, we’re all good!” I said, putting a bit of performative cheer into my voice. “She was just feeling a little under the weather today, so she went home early.”

“…I see.” Yukina didn’t seem convinced, but didn’t push the matter any further. She leaned against the wall in front of the studio and slowly exhaled, the white smoke of her breath visible in the cold air.

It was a scene that had repeated itself countless times. The two of us walking home after practice, sharing each other’s company like it was the most natural thing in the world. I’d never wished for any real change in our relationship. But maybe, despite that, it had come anyway.

“Where’re Ako and Rinko?”

“Went home. They said they had some sort of monster to kill in that game they’re always playing.”

“Gotcha.”

Our conversation fell to silence for a while until I opened my mouth again.

“You must’ve been thinking about this music school thing for a long time, huh. I had no idea…”

I hadn’t been trying to blame her, exactly, but she still looked a little guilty. “I just didn’t feel like I could look all of you in the face, tell you that I was thinking about leaving Japan, and not be swayed to stay here. I wanted to think seriously about what would really help me be the best performer I could be.”

_If you were so worried about us convincing you not to leave, then why not just go along with it and stay here?_ a selfish corner of my brain wanted to say. But I held in the urge to be snarky.

“Sayo’s really going to miss you, you know.” My feelings were still a mess, but the emotion that bubbled to the top first was anger. Yukina’s future was hers to decide, of course, but I couldn’t forgive her for making Sayo cry. I wished I could just tell Yukina outright how much she meant to Sayo, and how much not telling us about this whole music school plan beforehand had ended up hurting her. Of course, it wasn’t my place to say all that, but I still felt like I had to stand up for Sayo.

Yukina wasn’t always the most perceptive person when it came to other people’s feelings, but this time, at least, she seemed to pick up on what was going on. “Wait, Lisa, so when she left earlier, that was…”

“I mean, we’ll all miss you, it’s just… I think she cares about you a lot more than you know. You should make sure to really talk to her before you leave. I don’t want things to turn awkward between you guys.”

_If it were me who she was in love with, there would be no way I would ever make Sayo cry_ , I thought, somewhat bitterly.

But when I looked at Yukina’s face, those bitter feelings melted away. It looked like my words had actually struck home for her, and the vaguely guilty expression she’d been wearing earlier had shifted to something more seriously regretful.

Something about that expression was somehow reassuring to me. No matter what, Yukina still cared about us.

And no matter what, whether it was today or ten years ago, the only person she was this open with her emotions around was me.

I hugged her, enveloping her small frame in my arms. Compared to Sayo, it was a different kind of feeling, softer and more delicate, but still comfortably warm in the December chill.

“No matter what happens, you’ll always be my closest friend. I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of Roselia, too--even if we’re separated, there are some bonds that can’t be that easily broken.”

I wasn’t sure if I really believed what I was saying, but I felt like it was what Yukina--no, both of us--needed to hear at that moment.

I let go of her, and watched as her expression softened. I didn’t want to make her feel bad her for choice, but considering how close we were she would surely forgive me for being a little selfish.

“I really will miss you, you know.”

She smiled slightly, a vague hint of sadness in her face.

“...Yeah.”

The next couple of months were a blur of studying for entrance exams, actually taking those exams, and preparing for Roselia’s last concert before Yukina left. Neither Sayo nor I had a lot of time to really think about a lot of the things we’d been worrying about, which, in a way, was a blessing. But we couldn’t keep running away forever, and eventually, our high school days came to an end. We took our uniforms down from where they’d been hanging in our closets and folded them away into boxes, and prepared to face the world as adults.

Our first trial had come early, as we’d known it would. The two of us were on the train back from the airport after seeing Yukina off, sitting in silence as we tried to organize our thoughts. I knew that with that conversation, this period of our lives had finally come to an end. “I’ll call you every day!” I’d promised her, trying to maintain a cheerful facade, and Yukina in turn had promised us again that Roselia was only on hiatus, that it would resume activities once she came back. But even if we were able to keep those promises, we couldn’t be the way we had been anymore. I couldn’t walk home with Yukina after school, or naturally chat with Rinko and Ako after practice, or do any of the things that had made being in Roselia so fulfilling.

The people I’d talked to about this--my parents, dance club members from years past, some of my coworkers at my part-time job--had reassured me that things would end up okay. Of course things would change, and there was some sadness involved in that, but being an adult would bring plenty of new and rewarding opportunities. It made sense, but for whatever reason, maybe because it was just in my nature to do so, I couldn’t help but worry. What we’d had together as Roselia had really been special. I didn’t think that was the kind of thing that could be so easily found again once I’d lost it.

As these thoughts churned around and around in my head, I found myself voicing them before I knew it.

“Roselia’s… really going on hiatus, huh…”

Sayo nodded slowly. She hadn’t said a word since we’d gotten on the train, but finally she opened her mouth, staring at her knees as she did so. “When she said that to us… that she was putting the band on hiatus… it was a real shock. I’d thought we’d gotten closer, but at that moment I wondered if I’d just misjudged the distance between us. So I tried to convince myself that I didn’t really feel anything about her in the first place. That way I wouldn’t end up being hurt.

“But really, all I was doing was lying to myself. I didn’t want to admit it, but… I really loved her.” As she spoke, her voice gradually lowered in volume, her final words delivered in a barely audible whisper.

Even so, hearing her put voice to those feelings stung. I swallowed the words of encouragement I’d been preparing, and the two of us briefly returned to silence again.

Once again, Sayo continued. “I felt like if I admitted that to myself, I could move forward. But I still don’t know how to do that. The only thing that ever made me feel truly needed, like I was worth something as a human being, was her letting me play by her side. Without that… what do I have left?”

“Sayo!” My voice came out louder than I’d intended, but in that moment, I didn’t care. She quickly turned to face me, an expression of surprise replacing the gloomy one she’d been wearing up until now. “Don’t say things like that,” I continued at a more reasonable volume. “Did you really spend all this time with us and come away thinking that the only thing we cared about was how good you were at playing music? You work harder than anyone I know, and despite how you come off sometimes you’re a really nice person at heart. I mean, I’m worried about what’s going to happen to us, too, but… I’m happy to be able to call you my friend. At the very least, you can always rely on me, you know?” I didn’t know how much of what I was saying was genuine friendship and how much was me clinging to the hope that if I kept her by my side she still might someday grow to return my feelings for her. But what I did know was that I desperately wanted to avoid letting Sayo go.

Sayo still wouldn’t meet my gaze, but it seemed as though she’d calmed down a little bit. That made me feel relieved.

“Still, though, it’ll be kinda lonely without--without all of you around all the time anymore.” _It’ll be lonely without you around_ , I’d started to say, but hadn’t been quite brave enough to finish. I still didn’t know what the appropriate distance to take with Sayo was. Would things turn awkward if I was too obvious about how much I liked her? Or would saying something like that let me be around her more?

Before I had time to think about it too much, though, Sayo abruptly raising her head and turning to look at me grabbed my attention. She paused for a second as though looking for the right words to say, and then spoke.

“I know I’m not Yukina, but if you ever, um, want someone to talk to, I can help any time you want me to. I’m always depending on your kindness, so it’s the least I can do.”

With those words, I felt the worry and annoyance I’d felt just moments ago melt away, replaced by a warmth bubbling up throughout my body. God, I was so simple, wasn’t I, getting this excited over an awkward statement of friendship like that from her. But it was that awkwardness that was what I’d grown to love about Sayo, the way she was always so honest and genuine even when doing something she clearly wasn’t used to doing. In that moment, with Sayo next to me, even a future without Roselia didn’t seem quite so scary. I placed my hand lightly over hers on the armrest, hoping I could give back at least a little bit of the warmth her words had given me.

We spent the rest of the train ride back without saying much after that, but it was a comfortable, pleasant kind of silence. In the optimism of the moment, I felt like the distance between the two of us had closed just a little bit. After all, spring was the season of new beginnings, wasn’t it? Who was to say what kinds of new things might start to bloom?


	2. Chapter 2

Much like I'd worried, things had changed a lot with the beginning of our post-high school life. Both Sayo and I were attending universities within Tokyo, but even though our apartments weren't that far apart, no longer having Roselia as a point in common meant that our opportunities to naturally meet each other were almost entirely gone.

I'd certainly met people at college who shared some of my interests, but there was no one I really felt comfortable around the way I did when I was with Yukina or Sayo. It was a weird feeling, going from having people around me every day who I could entrust my heart to to suddenly having no one.

Was Sayo feeling the same way? And if she was, would she appreciate me reaching out to her? If it were Yukina, I would have just barged into her life regardless of how she felt about it, but with Sayo I was hesitant. I didn't want to hurt her by poking my nose in where it wasn't wanted. And more than anything, I didn't want to assume we were closer than we actually were and have her push me away as a result.

It was cowardly, I knew, but I didn't know what else to do. Even though Yukina and I had had our ups and downs, I'd always felt like I naturally knew how to act around her. But with Sayo, I found myself treating her gingerly, as though she were a brittle object that would break if I was too rough, or perhaps a stray cat wary of my attempts to get close to it. If I did the wrong thing, would she run away?

It was in the midst of all this that I went out to karaoke with some of my college friends, hoping to take my mind off of my worries. I left a little early, citing a need to do some studying, and stepped outside into an unexpected summer rain.

"Ugh. The forecast didn't say anything about this…" I grumbled, staring out at the downpour from the entrance of the karaoke bar. It was too far to walk all the way back to the apartment as I was, in my sleeveless top and ripped jeans, so I figured I'd run to a nearby convenience store and pick up an umbrella.

Holding my bag over my head in a vain effort to protect myself, I stepped out into the rain and instantly regretted my decision. If I had hoped not to get too wet, well, it seemed like it was already too late for that, but I still hurried down the street so I could get my hands on an umbrella before I got completely soaked. I stopped just before entering the convenience store to wring out my shirt and then stepped in, a bell ringing as I did so.

…As I could have guessed, the sudden rain had caught a lot of people off guard. The store's stock of umbrellas had been almost entirely depleted, and as I moved over to where they were being kept, the last one was taken.

By a girl whose blue-green hair, even darkened by the rain, I would recognize anywhere.

"...Sayo?"

"Lisa. It's been a while." Her voice sounded a little more tired than I was used to hearing it. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but something about Sayo looked worn down, and I didn't think it was just the rain. Back in high school, she'd had a tendency to overdo it with playing the guitar or studying, and I was worried the same thing was happening again here. Plus, Roselia not being around anymore had hit all of us hard, but it had probably hit Sayo hardest. Was she really doing okay?

This time, more than any other feelings, it was that worry that drove me to action. Maybe I was poking my nose into other people's business again, and maybe Sayo would just end up pushing me away, but I didn't feel like I could leave her alone.

"It's really raining out there, huh. Not sure what I'm gonna do…"

Sayo took a look at my still-wet clothes and hair, then at the umbrella in her hand, and I could see the gears in her head turning.

"I guess I could just wait it out, but it doesn't seem like it's going to stop any time soon, plus my clothes are already kinda wet. Geez, when it rains out of nowhere like this, it's a real pain."

I looked at Sayo for a second to gauge her response before continuing. As I'd suspected, it seemed as though she was too nice to leave a distressed maiden all by herself in the rain.

She extended the umbrella she'd just picked up to me. "Here. My apartment isn't too far from here, so I can manage without this. I assume it'll be of more use to you, so…"

"But Sayo, I can't really let you just walk home in the rain, either! I'll tell you what, if your apartment's close by, why don't we just head there together so we can dry off a little bit?"

"...I suppose that makes sense. Let me go buy this, then, and we can go."

As she turned around to walk to the register, I pumped my fist. It had been a little underhanded, but things had worked out exactly as I'd hoped they would. Maybe a bit of unexpected inclement weather wasn't always a bad thing.

We didn't say a whole lot on the walk back to her apartment. Despite the warm weather, the rain and my wet clothes made me shiver.

If Sayo noticed, she said nothing. At one point I'd thought we'd gotten closer, but today she felt all sharp edges and icy demeanor, much like she'd been when we'd first met. I racked my brains to think of something we could talk about, but all of the things we had in common seemed like landmines. Hina? I still wasn't sure how well they were getting along. The band? Dredging up those memories seemed like a bad idea. Yukina? Yeah, no way I was brave enough to mention her name right now.

As we approached her apartment, I figured I might as well just be honest and say what I'd been thinking since I'd seen her in the convenience store. Compared to when we'd met, I was confident that we were close enough that she wouldn't just reject me outright. Well, pretty confident, anyway.

"Hey, Sayo, you know, just earlier, I was thinking I wanted to see you again… what do you say we talk for a little bit at your place while my clothes dry?"

She said nothing for a few moments, then sighed. "I suppose that's fine. Hina gave me some instant hot chocolate she picked up on one of her trips, so if you'd like we could…"

"Yep, that sounds great! Sayo, you're always so nice~"

She gave me a look that suggested she thought she was nothing of the sort, but still I could feel the atmosphere around us warm up a little.

Entering her apartment, I breathed a sigh of relief at finally getting out of the rain. After making some comment about how I was going to catch a cold because my clothing exposed too much (which I ignored), Sayo went to go grab us some towels and a change of clothes.

"Oh, wow, this T-shirt is really cute!" I said, trying not to grin too much at the fluffy dog shirt she'd given me. "Maybe you should wear it out sometime?"

"Maybe I should just not give you a shirt and let you sit around in your bra instead," she replied in mock anger. "I'll heat up some water, so could you grab some of the packets of hot chocolate? They're in the top left cabinet."

"This one?" I asked, opening one of her cupboard doors.

"Wait--"

Sayo raised her voice to try and stop me, but it was too late.

"Sayo…"

What lay before my eyes was a truly impressive collection of instant ramen. The amount of it she had in her cupboard suggested that either she was stocking up food in preparation for a natural disaster or this was making up the majority of her meals. And I suspected I knew which of those it was.

I sighed and closed the cupboard. Across the kitchen from me, Sayo had a guilty expression on her face, looking for all the world like a sad puppy.

"It's just… you know, cooking for myself is more work than I thought it might be, and I've been coming home a lot of the time feeling tired…"

"I'd expect this from Yukina, maybe, but you, Sayo? I mean, we've made sweets and stuff together before, so I know you can cook… well, what this is means is that I'll have to come over and make dinner for you sometime, then."

Sayo nodded, presumably more to escape embarrassment than because she actually agreed with my suggestion. Certainly she didn't think I was actually going to go through with it, but I was one hundred percent serious. Call it pushy, nosy, whatever, but I was going to make sure she was eating well even if it made her hate me, though hopefully it wouldn't come to that. Really, though, for someone as disciplined and put-together as Sayo was to stoop to eating a bunch of cheap instant food… was everything really okay?

As we drank our hot chocolate, and watched random animal videos on Sayo's computer, and talked about various aspects of our new college lives, though, I started to feel a little bit better. It had been a while since we'd had a chance to spend time together like this, but in the end Sayo was still Sayo. Still, more than anything, one thought loomed over all the others in my head. In high school, Sayo had been passionate about playing her guitar like nothing else, but in her descriptions of her daily routine recently, the word never so much as touched her lips. I mean, it wasn't as though I'd been diligently playing my bass, either, but I'd never truly loved playing like Sayo had.

I wasn't so conceited as to think I could fill the hole that Yukina and Roselia's hiatus had left all by myself, but, as always, I just couldn't leave Sayo alone. No matter how badly she might want me to.

A few days had passed since I'd run into her at the convenience store, and here I was, armed with a bag of ingredients and another of cooking supplies, feeling somewhat silly as I stood outside the door to Sayo's apartment. A trusted source had helped me figure out what Sayo's schedule of classes was, so based on that and my own conversations with her I had a pretty good idea that she was home right now, but I still hesitated before knocking. When I thought about it, just showing up to someone's house and announcing that you were going to cook them food was awfully bold, wasn't it? If it were Yukina, I knew she would accept it without a second thought, but Sayo… how did she feel about me coming over like this, really?

I'd come too far to back down now, though, so I gathered up my courage and knocked. After a few seconds, the door opened and Sayo appeared, a look of surprise clearly written on her face.

"...Lisa?"

I could see her staring at the bags I was carrying, but she seemed no closer to actual comprehension of the situation. Well, that made sense, given that I'd intentionally given her no advance notice.

"Hi, Sayo. Mind if I come in?"

She hesitated, but quickly relented. "…Yes, please do."

I walked into the entrance and put down my bags as I took my shoes off, and Sayo peered into them curiously. "Food? What's all this for?"

"We're making omurice today! I wasn't sure what exactly you had in terms of cooking supplies, so I just brought a bunch of stuff. Carrying these pans around was heavier than I realized, though…"

Finally, the light went on in Sayo's eyes and she realized what I'd come here to do. "Lisa…" she said, burying her face in her hands. "You were actually serious about making me dinner?"

"That's right!" I lowered my voice a little bit. "Sorry for not telling you about this beforehand, but I thought you might just decline if I asked you about it."

"You're awfully stubborn."

"The past two years didn't tell you that already?"

"I suppose I should have guessed." She sighed. "Is there anything I can help with?"

"It's not that complicated a meal, but you could cut up an onion, maybe? Hold on, are there enough knives..."

Sayo ended up having significantly more cooking equipment than I'd expected for someone who seemed to never use it. She was an effective kitchen assistant as well, which made sense given the times we'd baked sweets together in high school, and while neither of us could perfectly flip the omelette over the rice, it was a largely successful round of cooking.

But if Sayo was so competent, why wasn't she ever putting those skills to use? If it had been someone else, I might have put it up to simple laziness, but that didn't seem to fit Sayo. Especially since we didn't have band practice anymore, I didn't think that there was anything that would make her so busy she'd have no time to make dinner.

The whole thing gave me a bad feeling, but I tried to put those misgivings behind me and enjoy the experience of getting to eat with Sayo. Seeing her across the table from me put me in a good mood like nothing else had since I'd graduated from high school, and I felt like, for a moment, the future I'd dreamed of was coming true. Just being able to spend time with the person I cared about the most, even if all we were doing were mundane things like cooking and eating together--or maybe, especially because that was what we were doing--my heart felt full to bursting. I'd been briefly tempted to draw Sayo's name in a heart in ketchup on her omurice, but I figured coming over in itself was enough of a bother that I didn't want to risk doing more things that might annoy her.

Sayo was largely silent during dinner, but once we'd finished, she finally spoke, in her usual reserved manner. "It was good."

"Yeah, it turned out well, I think! Omurice is kinda not the most exciting meal, I know, but I think it's a nice thing to have every once in a while… don't you think?"  
"Yes, it's a nice meal..." she responded vaguely. I appreciated the thought, but something about the way Sayo had said it gave off a dissatisfied air, as though there was something else she wanted to say.

"Something up, Sayo?" I asked as we cleared the table.

She looked somewhat uncomfortable at my question, but finally spoke. "I just feel a little bad about you doing this for me."

"Don't worry about it! I enjoyed making it, honestly. And if you really feel that bad, then you can just repay the favor and make dinner for me sometime. How about it?"

"It's not that. I just… don't quite understand why you'd go all this way for me. Do you do this for all your other friends, too?"

I thought about it for a second, but the answer was obvious. "Just you, Sayo."

She grimaced. "If you're just doing this out of some kind of duty you feel to me as a band member, there's no need to do so. You've always had a lot of friends, so surely you've got no need to spend time with someone like me. Really, you've always been too kindhearted. Sometimes, you need to recognize when people don't deserve your help."

I felt my heart start to sink in my chest. Well, I'd had a feeling things would turn out this way. If making dinner with Sayo had felt like a dream, that was because any potential future for the two of us might as well be illusory. To her, I was just a pushy band member from a band she wasn't even participating in anymore. What was the point in excessive fraternizing?

But even if I could sense things going in a bad direction, it would take more than this to make me give up on Sayo. Maybe I'd had an ulterior motive in doing so, but I really did care about her well-being. If she was going through something difficult, I wanted to do whatever I could to ease her burden, as long as she'd let me.

"Sayo… you're right that I have a lot of friends. But that doesn't necessarily mean they're all that close of friends--it's more like people I might do some studying with, or go to karaoke with every once in a while. If you're talking about people who I really feel comfortable with, who I feel like I can open my heart up to, that's just Yukina… and you."

Sayo's expression darkened furthered, and she looked genuinely troubled. "Why… I'm not worth that kind of faith. If I'd known things were going to turn out this way, maybe I should just have ignored you in the convenience store the other day so that you'd give up and stop wasting your time on me."

"Sayo. You think you're doing me a favor, but really, you don't understand anything. I'm lonely, too, you know? Back in high school, I always treasured those times where we made cookies together, or where you helped me with bass practice, or even just where we got to talk for a little bit before the other band members showed up. I didn't just show up here because I'm some kind of saint who wants to help out those in need. I just wanted to see you again, regardless of whether you wanted to or not, ‘cause I'm a selfish girl like that.

"But if you're pushing me away like this, then I guess it was just me who felt this way all along, huh? Those two years we spent together… you're really just going to treat them as though they were nothing, aren't you?"

I could feel a sob rising in my throat, and, voice clearly straining, barely managed to push my last sentence out.

"Please… could you at least pretend to be a little happy I'm here?"

Ugh. I'd really hoped I could get through this without crying, but it didn't seem like I was going to be able to. I was really a mess, wasn't I. More so than usual, now that Yukina wasn't here.

For the time being, though, I didn't see what else to do but go home. I'd have to make sure to collect all my cookware first, though.

Because I didn't think I'd be back.

As I wiped my face on my sleeve, no longer caring if I smeared my makeup, a sudden, unfamiliar sensation enveloped my body. I flinched briefly in surprise, and then looked down to see a pair of arms encircling my waist.

Oh.

Sayo's embrace was awkward, and a little uncomfortable, but still somehow very warm.

A lot like Sayo herself.

In her arms, I relaxed a little, and then she spoke.

"On my birthday last year, I'm not certain if you remember or not, but we had a celebration with everyone from the band."

_…As if I'd forget something like that._

"After practice that day, Yukina asked if I could stay behind in the studio for a couple minutes before we went to our usual restaurant. At that time, I had no idea what to expect, but then she pulled out a stuffed dog and handed it to me. ‘Sayo, you're Roselia's pride and joy,' she said, hugging me, and I… I think that might have been the happiest moment of my life. Yukina is, um, a person I admire greatly, and I know I'm not the only person who feels that way. So knowing that she thought of me, of all people, in a special way… I couldn't exactly believe it, but at the same time, it was everything I'd ever wanted."

She paused for a second, and I could feel her embrace tighten.

"Hearing you say that you enjoy being with me… it makes me feel the same way I did back then."

A jolt of electricity ran through my body. My head was still struggling to process what had just happened, but, wait, did this mean Sayo was saying she didn't mind me coming over here?

I'd gotten this worked up about it, and she'd felt the same way about wanting to meet me from the start.

"...Sayo, you dumbass," I whispered bitterly.

"Sorry, what?"

"I called you a dumbass! Idiot! Coward! If that was the way you felt about me, just tell me! You think I, of all people, was going to reject you? If I was going to come to dislike you, it would have been at the start, when you kept suggesting I wore too much makeup and was too bad at playing the bass to be in the band! You know how much time I spent worrying because of your stupidity?" I broke free from her arms and glared at her.

Sayo hung her head. "Lisa… I'm sorry. I thought I was making the best decision for both of us, but it seems like I completely misjudged the situation."

"Yeah, you sure did!" I was still angry, but looking at Sayo's sad-puppy expression, the worst of it gradually dissipated, and before I knew it, I found myself stroking her hair gently.

We just stood there like that for a little while, until finally I broke the silence.

"It's getting a little late. I should get going."

I made to gather the things I'd brought and take my leave, but as I did so, Sayo grabbed my wrist.

"...Sayo?"

"Will you come over again?"

Her voice was trembling slightly, and her eyes shimmered with barely-held-back tears in a way I found irresistibly attractive. If Sayo really tapped into the feminine power she had at her disposal, she could really make everyone fall for her, couldn't she, I thought.

Or maybe I was just that head over heels for her.

"If you'll have me… I'll come over as many times as you want."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look forward to more cooking in the next chapter. the cooking scenes aren't all that detailed, but i promise i did Research by looking up recipes to make sure I knew exactly what was in all of things characters are cooking. that's that dedication my professors probably wish i would apply to my schoolwork instead


	3. Chapter 3

From that point on, I started spending more and more time at Sayo's place. She hadn't exactly lost all of her prickliness, but at the very least she didn't openly object to me imposing on her space. The emptiness I'd sensed in her voice was still there, faintly, but it seemed as though for the moment it had been pushed to the side by something else. I wasn't so conceited as to think that her changes were all due to me, but if I'd been able to help her at least a little bit, then I was happy.

And, well, it wasn't as though I wasn't getting anything out of the arrangement, either. I'd felt ready to start living by myself after I graduated, but I hadn't anticipated quite how… _empty_ coming back to an apartment with no one in it could feel, even as I'd tried to make it as homey as possible.

Sayo's apartment was as spartan as I would have expected from her, with an old Roselia poster I'd pushed on her the only adornment on its off-white walls, but somehow just her being in it made it feel infinitely more comfortable than mine. In high school, Yukina and my family had all been within arm's reach, and I'd for the most part taken their presence for granted.

But after living by myself for a little while, I'd realized the truth: I really hated being alone. When no one was around me, it was too easy to think about things I'd rather not think about. Too easy to feel like my life was going nowhere fast. Too easy to fixate on my feelings for a girl I didn't think would ever return them.

When I was with Sayo, though, things got just a little bit brighter. It was as though her presence alone just shoved all those negative thoughts into a locked closet in my brain and refused to let them out. You could say it was painful to keep clinging to a girl who I knew didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her, but from the start, I'd never expected my love to be requited. All I'd wanted, now and then, was to be able to stay by her side.

…That's what I told myself, at least. But in reality, I was a greedy girl. Whenever I was together with Sayo, I couldn't stop myself from wanting more. It wasn't like I had some sort of devious plan to slowly get closer to her; I just acted on sudden impulses. Things like putting an arm around her shoulder when I was looking at something she was watching on her computer, or offering to dry her hair after she took a bath, or saying she looked cute apropos of nothing. Like with most things I did, she didn't enthusiastically accept all of my displays of affection… but neither did she reject them outright, so I saw no reason to rein myself in too much.

The summer passed like this largely without change in our relationship, and eventually the leaves changing color announced the beginning of fall. Every year, as it began to get colder outside, I found myself increasingly possessed by a desire to feel someone else's warmth. People always said I was the touchy-feely type, and I couldn't really deny it; maybe even more than not being able to talk to people, what was hard about living alone was not having anyone I could hug, or at the very least cuddle up against.

Today was particularly bad in that respect. It was a slightly chilly day in early October, and I'd woken up seized by an acute and painful loneliness. I hugged my pillow tightly and sighed. If only instead of just a pillow, there was a girl in bed next to me… well, one girl, in particular, would be nice, but at the moment I wasn't feeling all that picky.

Usually, when this kind of thing happened, I just did my best to bear it until the feeling passed. There wasn't really anyone among my college friends I really felt like I could depend on for this kind of emotional support, and the person I had always been able to depend on was currently on a different continent.

Which left only one person I talked to regularly, and I hadn't been brave enough to rely on her for much of anything up to this point. But today, for whatever reason, I was feeling especially courageous, or maybe especially as though I had nothing to lose. I grabbed my phone off my nightstand and began to compose a message.

"Hey, Sayo, do you mind if I come over?"

Her response was prompt and curt, as they always were.

"That's fine. I don't have any plans today."

Sayo had never asked me _why_ I wanted to come over to her apartment, ever since the first time I'd showed up uninvited. Maybe she didn't care, or maybe she assumed it was obvious, or maybe it was something else more mysterious, but regardless I appreciated how she always accepted me without questioning my motives.

Even if deep down, I wished she'd show a little more interest.

Sayo answered the door with her usual blank expression, looking neither pleased nor displeased to see me.

"I've got some toast in the kitchen if you haven't eaten yet," she said by way of greeting, and I followed her to her dining room table and sat down across from her. Our breakfast wasn't anything complicated, of course, but it was always nice to see Sayo making effort to eat properly on her own. The Sayo I knew was meticulous about everything, and seeing her regain some of the diligence she'd been overflowing in during our high school days was reassuring.

We ate mostly in silence, some sort of forgettable variety program like the ones Hina had recently been appearing on playing on the TV in the background. When we'd finished, Sayo and I moved to her couch, and just as Sayo was about to grab her computer--presumably to read the news for the day--I cleared my throat at her.

She looked at me questioningly. "Lisa? Is something the matter?"

"Uh…" I suddenly froze up, uncomfortably conscious of how loud my heart was thumping in my chest.

I was probably just going to get rejected anyway. She would just stare at me with that piercing gaze of hers, and simply shake her head. If that was the case, then maybe I should just not bother asking her… but no, I'd made up my mind when I came here. Taking a deep breath and trying not to let my voice falter too much, I said the words I'd come here to say.

"Sayo… just a little bit is okay, but… can you hug me?"

A second passed with Sayo staring at me uncomprehendingly, but rather than her face contorting into the glare I'd expected, she instead looked away from me, face gradually turning red.

Hold on… what?

In all the time I'd spent at Sayo's apartment, I hadn't ever seen her blush like this. I'd assumed that the only person who could do something like that to her was Yukina. That I was just an old friend whose physical intimacy was natural and expected. But just maybe…

I moved closer to Sayo and laid my hand on her arm. She flinched slightly as I did so and made to move her hand away, but I tightened my grip and kept it in place. Moving my head close to her ear, I said, in a voice slightly louder than a whisper, "Sorry, Sayo, suddenly asking you something weird like that. If you really don't want to do it, that's okay. I just thought it would be kinda nice, you know…?"

Her face was still turned away from me, but I could tell that its red flush was showing no signs of abating.

Clearly flustered, she groaned and then slowly peeked over in my direction, where I did my best to flash my most innocent smile.

"If it's just a little, then… I guess it's fine." Her voice was soft and meek and altogether un-Sayo-like, and I felt a shiver run down my spine.

_Sayo… if you keep reacting like this, I'm really going to get the wrong idea, you know?_

I moved over on the couch a little bit more and sat on her lap. Sayo flinched again as I did so, and then slowly, carefully, as though I were a fragile object she was afraid of breaking, her arms encircled me.

As they did so, I suddenly felt self-conscious about what I'd just done, and a wave of heat rushed to my own face. Sayo had hugged me before, of course, but something about the current situation was different. Without the heightened emotions of that time in the kitchen, hugging like this… kind of just felt like we were flirting?

No. No! I buried my face in her shoulder in an attempt to cool myself off. It wouldn't do me any good to get ahead of myself. Sayo hugging me was just another example of her kindness, nothing more. She was just acting awkward because she wasn't used to this kind of thing. If I mistook this kind of thing for actual romantic interest, all I would be doing would be setting myself up for further heartbreak.

But at the same time, in this current moment, I was beyond happy.

After a few minutes just sitting like that, Sayo spoke, voice hesitating. "Um… is everything all right? Is there a particular reason for this?"

"Mmm, I just felt kinda lonely, you know? It's nice to feel other people's skin sometimes… not as easy to do when you live alone, though."

"Did… did you and Yukina do this kind of thing a lot?"

"Sometimes, usually against her will, though! Why do you ask?"

Sayo looked as though she was pondering her answer for a second, but before she could proffer a response I opened my mouth again, unable to stop myself from teasing her.

"Could it be… you're looking for advice on how to get Yukina to hug you? 'Cause if it's that, all you need to do is ask your big sister Lisa~"

She glared at me, as I'd expected, but the words that came out of her mouth were beyond anything I could've anticipated.

"Dumbass."

"…Huh?"

"That wasn't why I was asking."

"Wait, then what was it? Sayo, tell me!"

I looked up at her in confusion, eyes pleading. She avoided meeting my gaze, face slightly red.

"Absolutely not."

 _Don't get your hopes up._ That's the motto I'd lived by for the past year when it came to Sayo. But maybe, just maybe…

I reached my hand up to touch her cheek lightly.

Before I could say anything to her, though, we were interrupted by a vigorous knock at the door, and Sayo and I abruptly sprung apart.

"I-I'll go see who it is," she said, trying with mixed results to recapture her usual dignity.

I watched, face still hot, as Sayo walked over to the door, checked who was outside, and then gingerly began to open it. Geez, I'd really gotten caught up in the moment, hadn't I? Maybe it was for the best that we'd been interrupted before I'd done something I regretted.

I didn't have much time to settle my thoughts, though, before the door opened and a jubilant, loud voice filled the room.

"I'm hoooome!"

"Wait--Hina!" Sayo was nearly bowled over by the force at which Hina jumped into her arms, but somehow managed to stay upright.

"Oh, Lisacchi's here, too! It's been a while, Lisacchi!" She waved at me, flashing that brilliant smile of hers.

"Hi, Hina! It has, hasn't it?"

"I thought you weren't getting back until tomorrow," Sayo said, attempting to extricate herself from her sister's embrace.

"That's when they said we'd be done, yeah, but we got done with all the recording early, so I decided to come back today instead! We've got a little bit of time until the next time I've got work, so I wanted to make sure I got all the sister time I could, you know?"

I glanced at Sayo questioningly. "Would you rather I went home? I don't want to get in your guys' way…"

"You don't have to worry about that. In fact, please stay. I don't know if I can handle an entire day alone with her."

"Geez!" Hina puffed her cheeks out. "Oh, but I want to talk to you too, Lisacchi! You should stay!"

"Okay, okay, I'll stick around. Actually, Hina, are you going to be here until dinner? How about me and Sayo make something?"

I could see her eyes light up immediately. "You guys are gonna make dinner? Oh man, Sayo's never made me dinner before!"

I felt a little bad for having volunteered Sayo for cooking duty without having asked her about it first, but when I tossed an apologetic look in her direction she was watching Hina with a gentle smile on her face. Compared to how things had been when I'd first met the two of them, it warmed my heart to see how far they'd come.

"So, what do you guys wanna eat?" I asked, putting an arm on each of their shoulders.

They exchanged a glance, and then nodded.

"Hamburg steak."

"Yep, it's gotta be hamburg steak!"

"You guys are always such kids. I swear, if I wasn't here, Sayo would eat all of her meals at the burger place down the street…"

"I didn't realize my mother had come back today, too." Sayo smirked at me, and then got back to the topic at hand. "Do we need any ingredients?"

"We need some ground beef, of course. I'm pretty sure we have an onion… garlic… ketchup…" I ticked off the ingredients on my fingers. "Oh, I think you're almost out of soy sauce."

"I am?"

Hina burst out laughing. "Lisacchi, do you _live_ here?"

I coughed and tried to hide my embarrassment. "Well, anyway, I can go run to the store real quick and pick what we need up--"

"No, I'll go. You two are still guests, regardless of how much time you might spend in my apartment, so I don't want to make you go buy food. …What do we need, exactly?"

After giving Sayo our shopping list, she left, promising to be back quickly, and then it was just me and Hina.

Despite not having seen her since we'd graduated, it felt like Hina and I were picking up right where we'd left off in high school. She was the kind of person who never ran out of interesting stories to tell, and her dual life as college student and idol offered, it seemed, even more opportunities for truly bizarre things to happen.

"Only you would leave food out for a bear _on purpose_ , Hina… how are you still alive?" I asked, voice filled with a mix of amusement and horror.

"Well, I wanted to see a bear! Everything turned out fine, you just worry too much, Lisacchi. Sayo had it right earlier, you really are like our mom~"

She smirked as she said those last words, and then her expression immediately changed, as though she'd just remembered something.

"Oh, that's right! Earlier, before I got here… what were you guys doing?"

I had suspected she would eventually ask that, but my hunch didn't stop my face from heating up. Briefly, I considered trying to dodge the question, but I knew that wouldn't end well for me. Hina, as long as I'd known her, had had a mildly terrifying ability to see through all manner of lies and deception. If something was going on that she had any interest in at all, she'd find out about it no matter how much I tried to obfuscate the truth.

So it was best for me to just be straightforward with her from the start.

But I had to say, when I thought back on why I was here… it sure was embarrassing, wasn't it.

"Uhh… I was feeling kinda lonely, so I asked her to hug me."

"And she said yes?? No fair! No matter how many times I ask her, she never hugs me like that!"

I laughed, picturing Hina pestering Sayo in my head. "I mean, honestly, I wasn't expecting her to say yes to me, either. I feel like she's mellowed out a little, lately."

"Yep, thanks to you!"

"Thanks to… me?"

"Ever since we graduated, my sister's been kinda depressed, I think. You look at her face and it's kinda… it looks like her, but the Sayoness is missing, you know? A while back, I thought about quitting Pastel＊Palettes so I could be with her more… but I figured she'd just get mad at me if I did that. Plus, I knew that me being by her side in and of itself wasn't going to fix whatever was wrong."

She smiled a little sadly, and then continued.

"My sister is… she looks really tough and scary, but she takes on too much by herself, and then when things get bad she turns all weird and empty. …People always tell me I can do anything, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't be her support like I want to."

"Hina…"

"But then, lately, when I've come over here, she's looked a lot more Sayo-y. So I thought, well, if it's you, Lisacchi, then maybe you can do it." She grinned at me.

I just stared at her in response, unsure how to properly put my feelings into words. What exactly had given her that kind of faith in me?

"There's one thing I just don't quite get, though, Lisacchi. For me, I feel like, well, Sayo's my precious only sister, so of course I'd do anything for her. But for you… normally people wouldn't do all this for someone they were just friends with, right, even if you were close?" She made a troubled face. "Chisato is always telling me that I should 'learn to better understand other people's emotions' but sometimes I just can't figure things out…"

If it were anyone else, I might've read some underhanded intent into her words. _Who do you think you are, getting this close to someone who's "just a friend?"_ But I knew Hina was asking out of genuine curiosity, not any kind of malice. She just wanted Sayo to be happy, even if that meant she couldn't be the one by her sister's side.

…That was supposed to be all I wanted, too. But in the end, I couldn't deny my ugly desire to have Sayo all to myself. As much as I'd tried just to stay as her friend, some of that desire had no doubt leaked out as we'd gotten closer and closer, to the point where Hina had noticed.

I wanted to hide. To pretend as though I felt nothing more for Sayo than just ordinary platonic friendship.

But Hina's eyes skewered me in place. Her gaze wasn't exactly cold or angry like her sister's could be, but there was a kind of overwhelming pressure behind it, as though the force of her curiosity would crush me if I didn't give her an appropriate answer.

So I sighed and braced myself to admit the very thing I'd never wanted to tell anyone.

"I sure can't hide anything from you, Hina, can I? You're right, Sayo isn't really just a friend to me. She's something more special than that… to put it bluntly, I guess, I'm in love with her."

"Really? Wait, does that mean you guys are gonna start dating? Did I just get another sister??" Eyes sparkling, Hina grabbed onto my arm, the force of her movements almost pulling me off the couch.

"Hold on, Hina, calm down a second! We're not going to start dating or anything like that. I mean, first of all, I'm not even the one she likes. That's Yukina."

…That was right, wasn't it. Sayo was in love with Yukina. It was something I implicitly knew, but recently it'd slipped to the back of my mind. No matter how close Sayo and I became, I just didn't have what it took to compete with Yukina. She had me beat in terms of talent, compatibility, and force of personality, and on top of that she'd given Sayo something irreplaceable--a place where she truly belonged.

All I'd given Sayo was a few meals she hadn't even asked me to make.

"Yukina?" Hina made a vaguely disgusted noise, as though just voicing the name left a bad taste in her mouth. "She left you guys behind, didn't she? I don't see why you need to worry about her. Just jump in and take Sayo for yourself!"

"I mean, Yukina is free to make her own decisions… it's not like she left us behind, exactly…" I felt obligated to defend my childhood friend, but Hina could tell my heart wasn't really in it and pounced.

"You feel the same way I do, right, Lisacchi? We both tried so hard to get Sayo to look our way, and in the end the person she cares about most is someone who just leaves the country without even telling you guys." She smiled that faintly sad smile again. "Life really isn't fair, huh?"

"…I guess not." As always, Hina was surprisingly sharp when it came to guessing other people's feelings. I _had_ been resentful of how much Sayo liked Yukina. But if I voiced that kind of discontent… I was worried everything would fall apart. In Roselia, I was the kind one. The one who always kept everyone else's spirits up. The one performing moral support for the band in an attempt to cover up for my lack of skill. If people stopped seeing me as that kind of moral support, then what else did I have to offer?

Would I just be discarded like the carton of eggs past its use-by date Sayo had thrown out this morning?

"Hey, Lisacchi." Hina spoke up once again. "Do you wanna date my sister?"

"Well… yes, but it's not--"

"No buts!! I just wanted to hear you say it. You know, Lisacchi, you don't have to worry about what everyone else thinks so much. If there's something that's gonna make you happy, you should just reach out and grab it! Even if it doesn't go how you planned, it's not gonna be as bad as you think it'll be."

Hina flashed that brilliant smile of hers at me, but I could only give a dubious look in return.

"Oh, I know!" she burst out suddenly. "If things don't work out with Sayo, then you could go out with me instead! How about it?"

"I think I'll pass on that offer, Hina."

"Aww, too bad! But you know, Lisacchi," she said, looking thoughtful, "it really didn't hurt all that much when I got rejected by you just now. Are you sure you're not just making too big of a deal out of this?"

The hint of a smirk seeped through her attempt at making a serious face, and despite the situation I couldn't stop myself from cracking a smile.

"Hina, you really are an idiot, you know that?"

After a second, she cracked too, and the two of us just sat there, laughing on the couch until we were gasping for breath.

When we'd recovered, the first thing I noticed was a slightly chilly breeze wafting into the apartment. Upon closer inspection, it seemed as though the front window was slightly open.

"Huh. Did Sayo open this earlier?" I asked Hina, who shrugged. It was definitely a little too cold to have the window open, so I walked over to close it, briefly peering out at the quickly darkening street Sayo's apartment overlooked but unable to clearly make anything out.

…Still, all through that evening, I couldn't shake the feeling that when I'd looked out Sayo's window, I'd caught a glimpse of blue-green hair waiting just barely out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hinalisa... :thinking:
> 
> this one is a bit of a transitional chapter, but some more exciting things should happen next time around, whenever i get around to writing it


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's (mostly implied) sexual content in this chapter, just so people are aware.

"I was thinking about maybe inviting everyone in Roselia over for nabe over the holidays," Sayo said nonchalantly as the two of us were eating dinner.

I froze for a second, a piece of lotus root halfway to my mouth. "Oh, yeah?"

"You don't like the idea? Of course, you don't have to help out if you don't want to. I'm more than capable of handling things by myself."

"No, no, it's not that! I think it's a good plan, I was just a little surprised to hear you suggest it. And you know I'd always help out with anything you want to do, Sayo…"

"Is that so? Well, then, it's settled. I'll ask around to see when everyone is free." She started eating again as though nothing had happened, but there was something a little _too_ calm about the way she was acting, as though she were trying her utmost to pretend that everything was normal.

I could tell. Because surely, Sayo was feeling the same way I was. The shadow of a certain someone still hung over both of our lives, and the thought of meeting her again filled us with anxiety.

"…When did Yukina say she was coming back, again?"

"I believe her plane's coming back on the seventeenth, and then she'll be here until just after New Year's. So maybe that weekend would work, if everyone's available," Sayo replied, voice detached and calm, as though she were explaining how to assemble a piece of furniture and not talking about the girl she'd been--still was?--in love with.

"Sayo."

"What is it?"

"Are you gonna be okay? Seeing her again."

"…I'm not as weak of a person as you seem to think I am. It'll be fine."

"I saw what you were like this summer, Sayo, so I gotta say, that's not exactly the most persuasive argument." Those words came out a little more harshly than I'd intended, and I could see Sayo flinch.

I softened my tone and continued. "You don't always have to act like everything's okay, Sayo. At the very least, in front of me… you can let your guard down a little bit, right?"

Sayo paused for a few seconds, clearly pondering what she was going to say next.

"I don't think someone like you would understand," she said, finally. "There are times where I think that everything might be easier if I never had to meet her again. That it would be fine if Roselia just vanished into my past and I could make a fresh start.

"But then I remember how precious both she and Roselia were to me, and it gets a lot harder to just throw the past away." She smiled wryly. "So I guess you could say I want to see her, but I don't want to see her. A real mess, aren't I--"

"I know how you feel!" I interrupted her, somewhat forcefully. "I've been conflicted about all of this too. I mean, of course Yukina has the right to choose what she thinks is best for her, and I know I shouldn't blame her for that, but… I guess I'm still a little mad at her. So I want to see her again, of course, but I can't help but feel like it's going to be a little awkward, you know?"

Sayo blinked a couple of times as though she were trying to process what I'd just said, and then slowly spoke. "Why would you… not want to see her?"

"'Cause if Yukina shows up again she might steal you away from me! Just kidding~"

I winked at her, expecting Sayo to roll her eyes and ignore my comment. But instead, she just stared down at her now-empty bowl, cheeks faintly tinged with red, and this time it was me who was at a loss for words.

After cleaning up the dishes, the two of us were sitting on the couch and getting ready to watch this week's episode of a romantic drama I'd been enjoying recently (and Sayo, though she'd never admit it, seemed to as well) when Sayo dropped another bombshell on me.

"Lisa… do you have any plans for Christmas this year?"

I thought about it for a second, then shook my head. "Nothing I can think of."

"Then," she said, suddenly looking nervous, "do you, um, want to go out somewhere together? I heard the decorations downtown are really impressive. Plus, there are a couple restaurants I've been wanting to try for a while…"

I stared at her in stunned silence for a second, my thoughts momentarily failing to catch up with the situation at hand. Basically… she was inviting me on a Christmas date, right? This girl, who was always complaining about "unproductive" things wasting her time, who only left her apartment when I dragged her out of it, suddenly thought it would be fun to go on a date? On Christmas? With _me_?

"I…I'd love to," I finally managed to say, and Sayo smiled back at me, a mixture of relief and satisfaction on her face. "I'll be looking forward to it," she replied, and I felt my chest tighten as a wave of indescribable emotion washed over me.

I was really hopeless, wasn't I.

From the start, I'd done everything I could to avoid pain. I'd lived my life believing that the more of myself I poured into something, the worse it'd hurt when I inevitably lost it. So it was best not to get too invested. It was best to maintain a healthy distance, to enjoy things in moderation, to make it so that nothing was "irreplaceable."

But I could tell. This time I was spending with Sayo was slowly becoming something I couldn't live without. A way for me to soothe the gnawing loneliness in the core of my being.

I was scared. Scared of rejection. Scared that even if things did ultimately work out with Sayo, this emptiness within myself would never truly go away.

But I wanted to preserve this feeling. Even if the odds were low, even if all I was going to do was get my heart broken, if there was any chance of a future for me and Sayo, I wanted to reach for it.

Maybe opening the box was the only way to move forward.

"…So she asks me to grab a packet of hot chocolate from the cupboard, but I open the wrong one and there's just this enormous supply of instant ramen. Like she's preparing for a disaster or something!"

Ako burst out laughing as I finished telling my story, and even Yukina cracked a smile.

"Oh, but don't worry, she's much better now. I don't know what might happen if I took my eyes off of her, though--ow!"

"What kind of nonsense are you telling them now?"

From behind, Sayo had lightly chopped my head with her hand. It hadn't been hard enough to really hurt, but I put both of my hands on my head in mock pain and outrage nonetheless.

"You're only resorting to violence because you know I'm telling the truth!"

"Is that so. You know, the other day, Lisa suggested we watch a horror movie, and then, when it was over, begged to stay over at my apartment because she was too scared to sleep alone. And a few days before that, she said to me, 'It's winter and I'm wearing pants or tights all the time, so I haven't shaved my le--'"

I turned around and covered her mouth with my hands quickly before she could say anything truly embarrassing. Not that that stopped a wave of heat from rushing to my face.

"You two… really get along well," Rinko said, smiling innocently.

"Really. It's like you're in your own little world. …I'm a little jealous." Yukina was smiling too, but I sensed a tinge of loneliness to her words.

"Anyway," Sayo said, clearing her throat, "the nabe should be ready, so we can start eating any time."

We moved out of the kitchen area I'd been standing in and gathered around the low table where the nabe was boiling. Its pleasant aroma wafted through Sayo's apartment, and without thinking a smile sprung to my face. It had been a long time since we'd been able to get together like this with the whole band, and for a moment, I felt like our high school days had come back.

Sayo and Yukina were discussing some music theory Yukina had been studying recently that was way beyond my grasp, so I left them to it and turned to Ako and Rinko.

"So, what have you guys been up to?"

"It's lonely without everyone around! Me and Rin-rin still play games together, and my sister's still around, but… it just isn't the same! I miss Roselia!"

"…It's lonely, but I think we're doing okay. If it weren't for Roselia, I might never have been able to handle being in a new place like college… but I really feel like I've gotten stronger, if just a little bit. I don't want this to be the end for us… but if it is, I still feel like it was all worth it."

"Rin-rin…"

"That's a really good way of looking at things, Rinko. Feels like you're handling it a lot better than we did!" I laughed self-deprecatingly. Could I really say that everything was all worth it even if Sayo and I drifted apart somewhere down the line? Would I be able to accept it and move on with my life?

"I was… surprised, though. Watching the two of you cut vegetables, you really seemed happy. I knew how much the band meant to you, and how close you were with Yukina, so I was… worried…" Her sentence trailed off.

"Well… what I can say is that I'd be a lot worse off if it weren't for Sayo. Obviously I still miss Yukina, but having someone else who I can really rely on makes everything easier."

"I feel the same way."

"S-Sayo?"

"Sorry. Yukina went to the restroom, so I thought I'd see what you three were talking about. But it's true. Having someone I can trust implicitly like this… honestly, I'm very lucky."

She smiled at me, and I felt my chest squeeze. If Sayo kept acting like this, I wasn't sure my heart could handle it.

"So 'having someone you can really rely on' means having someone who you can be honest with about not shaving your legs… I see…" Ako said, a mischievous grin on her face.

"Ako!!"

Rinko had been trying to stifle a smile for a while now, but at Ako's words she finally cracked, her shoulders heaving with laughter.

"Not you too, Rinko! Geez! Sayo, why'd you have to tell them that?"

Sayo gave her best innocent smile and said nothing.

"Yukinaaa! They're bullying me!"

Yukina emerged from the bathroom with a look of confusion and disgust on her face. "…What exactly is going on here?"

Roselia's reunion party: a resounding success.

"That was more tiring than I expected," Sayo said, rinsing soap off of a pair of bowls she'd just finished washing. It was after nine, and the others had all already gone home, leaving just the two of us to finish cleaning everything up.

"It was a lot of fun, though!"

"I won't deny that. But it's always nice to have some time to unwind after you've spent a lot of time talking to people."

"Oh? Would you rather I left so you could relax?"

"You don't count."

"Aww, Sayo!" I hugged her from behind. "Hey, by the way, when you said you trusted me implicitly earlier… did you really mean it?"

"Do I seem like the kind of person who says things I don't mean?"

"I guess not." I rested my head on her shoulder, wondering if she could hear my heartbeat quickening. "But it's really getting late, huh… maybe I should get ready to go home too."

I drew away from Sayo and walked towards the entrance to retrieve my bag; drying her hands on a towel, she followed after me.

"…Do you really have to go?'

"Huh?" I stared at her for a second, dumbfounded.

"I mean, um, it's okay. If you want to stay a little later. Or stay over. Or something." She was avoiding meeting my gaze, and something about her expression and posture seemed eminently vulnerable. I suddenly remembered that, despite everything, she was a teenage girl just like I was.

"Did something happen?"

"It's not really that, it's just…"

"Yukina?"

She nodded almost imperceptibly. I put my bag down and the two of us sat down on her couch, the distance between us a little closer than usual.

After a second, Sayo began to speak.

"…It makes me happy to see her again. To talk about music with her. I really did feel like we were similar people, in a lot of ways. But at the same time, being around her reminds me of things I'd almost rather not remember. Back then, I really felt like we were aiming for something greater than ourselves. Like I'd found something genuinely meaningful in my life. And then, looking at what's happened to me since then… I feel a little pathetic. It's tiring, pretending everything is the same as it ever was." She sighed.

"We're really a mess, aren't we?" I said, laughing bitterly. "Sometimes I feel like rather than actually improving my life, I'm only getting better at crafting the appearance that my life is improving. The inside's just all empty."

It was like there was some kind of magic cast over the both of us that was forcing us to say the things we couldn't normally bring ourselves to say. Or maybe, it was just a fleeting abnormality, an unexpected position and phase of the moon causing our behavior to turn strange.

I turned to Sayo and softly planted a kiss on her forehead.

"L-Lisa?"

"Hey, Sayo."

"…What is it?"

"You asked me to stay because you though it might help take your mind off of everything, right?"

Her face was red and she continued to refuse to look me in the eyes. "Um, something like that, I suppose, but what exactly do you--"

With a light amount of effort, I pushed Sayo down onto the empty part of the couch, where she stared up at me with vaguely nervous eyes. Once more, I kissed her, on the neck this time.

"I'll make it so you don't have to think about anything else, okay? Just a one-time thing, no strings attached. Sounds good, right?"

Sayo averted her eyes again. "This kind of thing. I, um, think it'd be better to do it with someone you love…"

"It's fine, it's fine! There's no special meaning. It's just something to help you feel a little better, that's all." I leaned down and whispered in her ear. "So, how about it?"

At that moment, the screen on Sayo's phone lit up, and she quickly turned her gaze towards it, as though it might offer her some kind of escape from the current situation.

"It's from Yukina…"

Hearing that name come out of Sayo's mouth suddenly filled me with a bitter jealousy I couldn't control. I brushed her phone off of the couch, where it fell clattering to the floor.

"Even now, you're still thinking about her? Even in this situation? Please, Sayo…"

I could feel an edge of desperation, almost pleading, enter my voice. So much for attempting to remain calm.

"…Just for tonight, can you only think of me?"

Sayo's eyes opened wide for a second, and then she nodded ever so slightly and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her embarrassed expression. The heat emanating from my own face. The warmth of her body. Her collarbones protruding from her disheveled shirt. The faint fragrance of her shampoo.

In the face of that, all I could do was drown in her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next (and potentially final) chapter should come out soon-ish.


	5. Chapter 5

The first beams of sunlight were slowly beginning to light up the bedroom when I woke up. Next to me, her blue-green hair messily spreading across the pillow, her bare shoulders peeking out from underneath the blanket, was Sayo.

Staring at her sleeping face, I sighed. This was what I'd always wanted, wasn't it? The feeling of waking up next to the person I was in love with. The comfortable sensation of having another girl's skin next to me. A physical reassurance that there was someone who would stay by my side.

But rather than romantic bliss, the sensation that overwhelmed me at this moment was a nauseating feeling of guilt.

I'd really messed things up this time, hadn't I. As soon as I'd realized that my current relationship with Sayo was something I wanted to protect, I'd immediately gone and smashed it beyond repair. Rather than facing her straight on and telling her my feelings, I'd used the pretext of helping her forget her troubles to satisfy my own desires.

Though, honestly, what had happened last night wasn't entirely different from what I'd been doing up until now. All this time Sayo and I had spent together, all the things she presumably thought I'd been doing just out of the kindness of my heart--from the start, there'd been an ulterior motive behind everything.

Sayo was just a lonely girl who was a little too nice for her own good. Beneath that cold exterior, she was the kind of girl who would melt in your hands if you showed her enough kindness. The kind of girl who was likely to eventually get taken advantage of if she wasn't careful.

I resisted the urge to stroke her hair and got out of bed, quietly so as not to wake her up. It was tempting to just leave the apartment then and there, but I wasn't quite enough of a coward so as to vanish without saying anything to Sayo.

At the very least, I figured I might as well make coffee. Who knew when I'd get the chance to do so again.

It was about ten minutes later when Sayo wandered into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes. I loved seeing her like this--in the brief moments between waking up and fully clearing her mind of sleep, there was a kind of softness to her usually rigid figure that made her appear even more cute than usual. Seeing someone like her, who was always so composed, letting her guard down around me always filled me with a slightly smug feeling of superiority. As though I was one of the special people she'd let into her heart.

Though today, even that was a little hard to take joy in.

"Good morning," she said, yawning.

"Good morning, Sayo. You've got good timing, I just finished making coffee."

She wordlessly accepted the mug I offered her and took a sip. "It's good."

"I mean, it's just instant coffee…"

"Oh. Right." Her eyes were fixated on the mug in her hands, but it was abundantly clear that her thoughts were elsewhere. A faint blush coloring her cheeks, she spoke again. "Did you sleep well? If you'd like, I could maybe make something for breakfast…?"

It was abundantly clear that Sayo was trying to steer the conversation away from talking about what had happened between us. There was a part of me that wanted to go along with her, to pretend, just for a day, that we were a normal couple spending a normal morning together. And, at the same time, another part that knew it was past time to give up on playing at being Sayo's girlfriend.

As something of a compromise, I touched her face gently.

"I slept fine. More importantly, though, Sayo, about last night… I think it'd be better for both of us if we just forgot it happened."

For a second, Sayo just blinked at me in confusion.

"I said it last night, didn't I?" I said, carefully maintaining an even tone of voice. "That was just a one-time thing. It's not like the two of us are going to get into that kind of relationship, so I think the best thing to do is just forget about it. Go back to being normal friends."

Sayo looked up from her coffee, a troubled expression on her face. Before she could say anything, though, I made an exaggerated show of checking my phone and looking surprised.

"Oh, wow, this time already? I've got plans with a friend early today, so I'll have to see you later. Thanks for putting on the party and letting me stay over, Sayo!"

I smiled at Sayo and waved goodbye to her, doing my best to ignore the self-loathing welling up like nausea in the pit of my stomach.

…I was really a coward, wasn't I.

Leaning on my windowsill, I stared out at the scenic pair of dumpsters in the alley outside my apartment. Usually, when my thoughts were clouded like they were now, it made me feel better to go out onto my tiny balcony and look out at the city, but in the winter chill I had to make do with just this.

Unprompted, a series of images flashed into my head. I'd been the one who'd suggested that we both forget about it, but ever since that night my head had been full of Sayo. Even more than usual.

Her hair, slightly darkened and sticking to her face with sweat. Her barely audible "yes" when I'd asked her if I could unhook her bra. Her lips, faintly glistening with moisture from when we'd kissed.

I'd never imagined that a girl's body could look like that. Even now, the embers of my desire were still smoldering, no matter how many times I tried to throw water on them.

Was Sayo feeling the same way? Were the events of that night still haunting her like they were me? Or had she successfully compartmentalized it as just the two of us comforting each other and nothing more?

I didn't know what I wanted the answer to be. I wanted us to go back to normal, to be able to spend time with her without the awkward reality of us having had sex constantly hanging over our heads. But that, in itself, was also somehow lonely. I didn't want to be the only one who was this flustered, this desperate.

Simply put, I wanted her to think about me. Even if this was the end of my one-sided love, I wanted to leave a mark on her, to permanently embed my existence in her memory. Her feelings toward me didn't have to be all positive. But what I was scared of more than anything was the idea of completely vanishing from her life. Of her hearing my name some day in the future and feeling nothing.

It had been like this with Yukina, too, I suddenly remembered. Before Roselia had formed, I'd gotten the feeling that the two of us were slowly drifting apart, that despite my efforts to keep us together I was slowly disappearing from her thoughts. The thought of that had made me want to cling to her even harder, but the truth was that if she hadn't wanted to put in the effort to maintain our relationship, there was nothing I could have done except wait for its inevitable end. It was always that way with me. I was always the one reaching out to other people, making sure I saw them on a regular basis, as best I could maintaining ties with the people I really cared about.

But at some point, I had to concede that I cared about my relationships with those people a lot more than they seemed to. Given that, maybe I was just naturally inclined towards unrequited love.

I pulled out my phone and stared at it. If I just stopped contacting Sayo, how long would it take her to reach out to me? A couple of days? A week? Or would my absence even be noteworthy enough to her for her to do anything?

Not contacting someone who I wanted to see was a stupid thing to do, I knew. But I'd never made any claim to being a smart woman, so maybe it fit.

_About today… shall we meet at the station near my apartment around 2?_

Still half-asleep, I blinked at my phone a few times, trying to process what it said. Right. Today was Christmas. The day of our promised date. Somehow, in the mix of everything that had happened, I'd forgotten.

I hadn't seen her since that morning, so as a matter of course I had no way of knowing what her intent was in sending this message. Did she genuinely want to see me again? Or was this just another obligation that she felt like she had to fulfill even though our relationship had fundamentally changed since she'd originally invited me?

Even though I'd wanted her to contact me, somehow, I couldn't get excited for the prospect of going on a date with Sayo the way things were between us. I wanted some more time to really sort out my feelings and decide what I should do next.

Or, really, I just wanted more time to wallow in my own misery. I knew that talking to Sayo honestly was the right thing to do, but it was a lot easier to just sit here and feel sorry for myself. My fingers moved with surprising ease in typing out my reply to Sayo, and it was only after I'd sent the message that the feelings of guilt began to set in.

_Sorry, Sayo! I just woke up and I've got a bit of a fever and a sore throat, so I think it'd be better if I just rested today… I was really looking forward to going out with you, so I feel bad!_

All of it a lie, of course. Had I always been this kind of person?

Before long, Sayo's response came.

_I understand. I'll stop by in a little bit. Is there anything you'd like me to bring you?_

I gritted my teeth in mild irritation.

_You don't have to do that. I don't want you to get sick. I'll be fine, I've got plenty of stuff here._

She responded almost immediately this time.

_I don't care about that. See you in a few hours._

I'd forgotten how damn stubborn this girl could be when she put her mind to something. Why couldn't she pick up on the fact that I didn't want to see her and just leave me alone? And why was she so determined to come over here in the first place?

The moment I'd been dreading finally came a few hours later, when the chime of the doorbell broke the silence in my apartment. Still in my pajamas (because I'd been moping in bed all day, not because I was trying to keep up the act of being sick), I slowly walked towards the door, ready to accept my fate.

"…Sayo."

"Hello. How are you feeling?"

I sighed deeply and looked away, unable to hide my discomfort. "I'm fine. I'm not really sick. Just sit down somewhere."

She took off her coat and scarf and hung them over a nearby chair, revealing a cream sweater with a (for her) low-cut neckline. Just under her collarbone, I could see an almost-faded mark, a physical reminder of what had happened between the two of us.

"I haven't seen you for a few days."

"Is it that unusual? What, did you need someone to make you dinner?"

"Lisa."

"…What?"

"Are you still caught up on what happened the other night?"

"You're _not_?"

She looked taken aback at the frustration in my voice.

"Well, I mean…"

At her hesitation, I felt something snap inside of me, and the emotions I'd been bottling up inside all poured out at once. Fuck it. What did I have to lose, anymore?

"You know what I was thinking that night, Sayo? I told you that I just wanted to help comfort you, that all of this was so that you could take your mind off the things that were bothering you. But really, in that moment I just desperately wanted an excuse to satisfy my desire. You were so cute, asking me to stay like that, that I gave into the feelings I'd been holding back.

"From the start, it's always been like that. I made food for you, and helped you clean up your apartment, and kept you company, all pretending that I was just a concerned friend. But really, I did all of it because I hoped that one day, you'd start to return my feelings. When Yukina said she was leaving, a part of me was happy about it. Because I thought it might give me a chance."

I smiled at her. "Underhanded, isn't it? Doing all this without you knowing."

Looking deeply uncomfortable, she spoke in a quiet voice. "I, um, knew about it."

"…Huh?"

"That night, I already knew how you felt about me. So don't, um, blame yourself too much. I knew what I was getting into."

All I could do was stare at her blankly for a few seconds before I finally figured out how to speak again.

"Since when…?"

"I started to wonder if it might be the case a few months ago, and then I overheard you and Hina talking about it… that was when I figured it out for sure."

More than two months, then. I mean, I'd wondered if my brazen attempts at flirting had tipped her off, but to think she'd known for that long? And after I'd spent so much time worrying about all of this?

"God, I'm so stupid," I whispered, covering my face with my hands. I'd known for a long time I was good at making a fool of myself, but the current situation was a heretofore unseen level of embarrassing.

Still, though, if she'd known all that time…

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted to properly think things through before I said anything to you. But with everything that's happened recently, my thoughts have been so disordered I don't know how I should feel anymore."

"…I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. Everything I did was of my own volition. In all honesty, I've known what I wanted to say to you for some time. The reason why I invited you out today in the first place was because I wanted to give myself an opportunity to discuss all of this with you. That, and…" She took a deep breath. "I thought that the atmosphere of being out with you on Christmas might help me muster up some courage."

"By courage, you mean…"

"There's a part of me that doesn't want anything to change. The feeling of making dinner for someone else, or of watching dramas together, or even just of someone else being in my apartment while I'm studying--all of it's come to feel so precious to me. I've never had anyone who I felt this comfortable around, so at first I simply hoped that we could continue to stay as we were. That was my plan. But eventually I realized that things couldn't just remain the same forever. Because, well…"

She tilted her head slightly and smiled at me, and I could feel the barriers I'd set up around my heart slowly starting to crumble.

"Somewhere along the way, I seem to have fallen in love with you."

Even by my standards, I got the sense I'd cried a lot. At some point, we'd moved to my sofa, where I was sitting with my head leaning on Sayo's shoulder.

"Hey, Sayo." My voice still sounded a little choked up.

"Yes?"

"Can I ask… why me? I'm kind of pushy, and I have a bad habit of sticking my nose in where it isn't wanted, and I sulk and get jealous like this. Plus, I'm not any good at music like Yukina is, and I'm sure there are plenty of prettier women out there…"

She looked at me for a second, and then looked downward.

"I understand that feeling, I think. For a long time, I felt as though Hina was everything I wasn't--cheerful, friendly, naturally talented at whatever she tried. People were drawn to her in a way that they never were to someone stiff and unsociable like me. Even when I was in Roselia, I worried sometimes that the only thing I had that was of any value was my guitar skill. If I let that wane, then maybe I would just be thrown away like a tool that had outlived its uselessness.

"But eventually I realized that what made Roselia what it was wasn't just any good guitarist. It was Hikawa Sayo."

Turning to face me, she continued, something sharp embedded in her gaze.

"So please don't say things like that. No matter how pretty, or nice, or musically talented someone is, they're not you. The person I love is Imai Lisa." She sighed. "…Have faith in me, if nothing else."

"I-I'll keep that in mind." It had been a while since I'd really been told off by Sayo. Even with how much her rough edges had been sanded off since we'd first met, it was a little reassuring to know that some things hadn't changed.

I felt the sudden sensation of her arm around my shoulder and flinched slightly in surprise. She withdrew immediately, an apologetic look on her face.

"Sorry, did you not--"

"It's fine, it's fine! I was just a little surprised, that's all." I cuddled up closer to her, and she slowly, tentatively, returned her arm to its previous position.

"You really like this kind of thing, don't you?" she asked, leaning her weight against mine.

"It kind of helps me calm down, I guess? Feeling someone else's warmth like this." I sighed. "I wish I'd gotten to properly enjoy waking up with you in bed the other day. It'd be nice to do that again soon…"

A red flush spread across Sayo's face, and I abruptly realized my mistake. "Oh! I, um, just meant it'd be nice to stay over at your place again sometime! Having someone next to you in the morning, that kind of thing. I'm not saying we should do _that_ again. Though, um, if you want to, Sayo, it's not like I'm _opposed_ to it or anything…"

She groaned and shoved her face into my shoulder, presumably to hide her embarrassment. Well. We could figure out that kind of thing as we went along. For now, I was just happy to have her by my side.

Somewhere in my heart, that gnawing feeling of loneliness was still lurking. But with the slow accumulation of hours, days, and months spent together with Sayo, I could feel the emptiness in me gradually being filled up.

"Sayo."

"…What is it this time?"

"It's still not too late, so… do you want to go and see those lights downtown after all?"

"Lisa. Here you go." I felt a warm can of coffee being pressed against my cheek.

"Thanks, Yukina! I'll pay you back for it, just give me a second…" I rummaged in my bag for my coin purse.

"Don't worry about it." A sudden gust of wind ruffled her scarf, and both of us shivered. It was an unusually cold day in early January, and we'd picked a fairly out-of-the-way shrine to visit, so it made sense that the grounds were largely deserted. The two of us had arrived fifteen minutes or so before the planned meeting time with the rest of Roselia, so we were sitting on a bench together, killing time.

I stared down at the shrine entrance, the bright red of the torii standing out against the dull winter vegetation. No matter how much I strained my eyes, though, the person I was hoping to see refused to appear.

It was Yukina who broke the silence first. "It's good to see that you and Sayo are getting along well," she said, as though reading my thoughts.

"Huh?! Yukina, how did you… Wait, she didn't tell you, did she?"

Yukina cocked her head to the side in puzzlement at my panic. "All I wanted to say was that the two of you seemed closer than I remembered when I saw you at the party the other day. Did something else happen?"

"Oh, that was all… No, it's not a big deal. I guess we have gotten a bit closer over the past few months." I laughed nervously. It wasn't exactly as though I wanted to hide our relationship, but… for some reason, I didn't feel quite ready to tell everyone about it just yet.

"Recently, it really sunk in just how important a place Roselia was to me. I hadn't realized quite how difficult it would be to recapture the feeling of playing with all of you. Studying music has been fulfilling for me in its own way, but I still miss the experience of playing together we had in high school. So it was… reassuring to see that you didn't seem to be taking it too hard."

"It hasn't all been easy, but we're managing, somehow. After devoting so much of ourselves to the band, when we stopped playing together it was like a vacuum opened up. We didn't know what to fill all of the empty space with. I'm still not sure either of us know." I smiled at her, a little sadly. "You're not going to want to hear this, Yukina, but even if you bring Roselia back in a couple of years, there's no way to guarantee that things will be the same as they were back then. I loved Roselia… I still love Roselia. But I realize that it can't be my everything anymore."

"…I'm not so naive as to not realize that."

I patted Yukina on the shoulder and looked out towards the shrine entrance again, a buzz of excitement rushing through me when I saw a familiar flash of blue-green hair.

"Sayo!!"

As she drew closer to our bench, I could see a mildly exasperated expression on her face. "Is it really appropriate to make that much noise at a shrine? You were just at my apartment yesterday, anyway…"

"Just be honest and admit you're happy to see me!"

"Well, I won't deny that." She coughed. "Yukina too, of course."

Before long, Ako and Rinko showed up and the five of us made our way up to pay our respects. As we waited for our turn, Sayo's hand somehow found its way into mine.

Even in the winter chill, her hand gave off a comforting warmth. The future was uncertain. I had no way of knowing if I would ever find something to replace what Roselia had meant to me. But at the very least, I knew I had one thing I could place my trust in.

"What are you going to pray for, Sayo?"

"I was planning on praying for good health. For me and those close to me."

"I see. That's always good."

"How about you?" She glanced over at me, cheeks faintly tinged pink from the cold, and I felt a wave of emotion sweep over me. Next year, and the year after that, and ten years down the line, I wanted to come back here with her. I wanted to live my life with her steady warmth by my side.

A grin spread across my face, so wide I thought my cheeks might burst. I squeezed down on her hand tightly.

"It's a secret!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It ends! Finally. This ended up being way longer and more complicated than I originally planned (the Christmas bit seemed timely when I started writing), and I have no idea if the whole thing feels cohesive at all or not. But in general, I'm happy with the way it turned out. Thanks to everyone who left nice comments along the way!
> 
> The title's a Japanese term that refers to a longing to feel someone else's skin/warmth. I really like the idea of loneliness as expressed through desire for physical intimacy...
> 
> I'll probably write more Bandori stuff at some point. Likely this ship again, possibly others. I've been reading a lot of Japanese fics recently and SayoLisa really is good, huh!


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